The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
