he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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