It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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