This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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