Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
