wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
