My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
