I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
