If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
