Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
