we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
