I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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