after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
