no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
