it hurts more in the daytime
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
