i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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