I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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