Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How does one acquire holy water?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
