Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
