I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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