what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
