I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
