Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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