I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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