She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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