wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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