I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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