1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
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