Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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