the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
