"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
