i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
