I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
