ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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