It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
