So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
