omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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