And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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