I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
