Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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