My hair reeks of homosexuality.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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