Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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