Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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