Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
