why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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