she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
