Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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