Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
