I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
