never play flip cup with pint glasses
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
