I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This is my life. Enjoy the view
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
