dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
