i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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