3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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