my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
