remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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