i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
